Friday, 12 May 2017

Job search

I cannot find work. I have been job-searching for about eight months. This has been my primary activity, so much so that the things I really want to do have been side-lined to the periphery. I have signed a 'social contract,' so to speak, so I understand that I have to make these sacrifices. However, my lack of progress makes this incredibly frustrating.

My own background just makes me bitter about the entire thing. When I was in my late teens I was completely isolated from 'society.' By 'society' - yeah, very loose, very vague, I know - I mean standard forms of behaviour and activities. I was very messed up. I wasn't in mainstream education, I didn't have friends, I was rabid and I was angry.

And, ultimately, I exploded. I really did. Because of the lack of external and social stimulation, and because I was manic and inside my head all the time, I lost it. I was paranoid, delusional and manic.

Thankfully, after this explosion I reformed myself. I went back into mainstream education, made friends and engaged more with what other people were doing. And I did well at education - I graduated with a first class degree and I stayed on for postgraduate studies.

I remember when I collected one of my essays, the lecturer left all of the essays outside of her office. There were maybe 70 essays there. I leafed through all the other assignments. I received the highest mark - 85% - the closest to that was 72%.

I don't mean to hold a grudge against the other students, but a lot of them weren't that bothered about studying. A lot of them were into clubbing etc. I don't mean to assume that they haven't had problems, but I'm sure they didn't have an episode and I'm sure - judging by their body language alone - that they were a lot more well-adjusted than I was.

Out of curiosity, I checked what a lot of them are up to on Facebook. A lot of them have the exact jobs that I have applied to - I can't even make it to the interview stage. When I saw this, I threw my laptop at the wall and broke the hard-drive.

I know that it isn't healthy to compare yourselves to others, but I can't help but get bitter at all this. I have played the game for a long time and I can't make much head-way. Other people - and, again I shouldn't generalise nor make assumptions - don't go through all this trauma and find work easily.

So, yes, it is rather dispiriting. I really don't want to return to any further education - I lost motivation with that during postgraduate studies. I've been told that I shouldn't pursue a PGCE (a qualification to become a school teacher). When I try other options, employers throw my application away. It's really frustrating.

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