Heightened consciousness

A lot of the time what I have sought in the past, and continue to seek, are strong mental perceptions. What I mean by this is to strain my brain, to force it to titter on the edge of stability. This doesn't necessarily mean I seek to "think" or intellectualise, it is merely to feel alert and, at a more basic level, to avoid boredom.

After having been on medication for over four years, I feel that this restrains these strong mental perceptions. It dulls my consciousness and leaves me feeling inert. What I discovered a few weeks ago is that, after a short period that I didn't take the meds, I felt my mind feel alive again.

The most striking difference I felt was how strongly I reacted to music. Without my mind being stultified by the potency of medication, the musical pieces revitalised me and left me exhilarated.

The most common diversion people my age find also dulls these 'strong mental perception' - alcohol. For the first time in my life I have drank a vast quantity of alcohol. On three different occasions I drank an entire bottle of wine. While the sensations I felt were pleasant enough - I felt sleepy and quite satisfied - it doesn't have the same quality. Alcohol doesn't make your mind race, it slows your senses. Almost like the medication I take, it leaves you drowsy and at a distance from your senses.

And I have never needed the assistance of drugs to reach these kind of sensations. What I seek for is a pure mind, being pushed to its uttermost limit, without any kind of chemicals clouding it. I also need a degree of control.