My state of mind #16

I have felt a little better over the week or so, but before that I felt really depressed. So much so that I could only sit in corners of rooms or watch episodes of The Simpsons. I felt devastated by my examination results, especially after I felt so hopeful by the prospect of getting a place in one of these prestigious universities. I got two Es in my English exams, but still managed to get the respectable result of ABC. I worked out that all I needed was the lowest possible C to get an A in Literature. But I fucked up. Oh well.

It seems to me that I always self-destruct at the last, final moment. This was the case with my GCSEs and my dunce media course. Just when I need to put the tiniest little bit of effort at the very last moment, I implode. Mind you, the other times I did it self-consciously, this time it happened totally without my awareness (although the Fifa world cup could have been the real culprit). When I go to university, I will ensure to take the correct decisions to ensure this will never happen and to look over what happened in my A2 examinations and see what went so horribly wrong.

My first reaction was that I didn't want to go to university at all anymore (read this), and that I'd go back to Chile to live in a state of poverty and vagrancy. I felt so infuriated by it all that I thought that I'd get a shitty job there and pursue my ambition of being a novelist. Recently, I haven't been able to get Chile out of mind and I have felt a growing urge to return there. Because I feel that, in a certain sense, that my life was stolen when I came to the UK. Another incentive in dropping out all together was my old hatred against academia and my tendency to simply do things on my own.

Subsequently, I looked over universities to see what universities are under my current grade range. I also got an A for AS Spanish, so that boosted my UCAS points. While looking over the websites, the university I found to be most to my liking was Hull. I decided that I won't only study philosophy but also English (though it focuses more on Literature than Language study, which is far more to my liking) as a joint honours. The university is a campus, so it is far more smaller and (I hope) there will be an opportunity to come across like-minded individuals. I've even got vague hopes of starting a serious relationship or even (even!) getting laid.

My parents went on a three week trip to Chile, so that meant I had the house to myself (though there were three visits from my sister so that she could clean the house). That meant I had to cook for myself. I was thriving before I got my results, and then I couldn't do anything at all. Then my parents arrived, I started feeling better, but then discovered that with my parents around I find myself subjected to constant monotony and the mundane. I do like having their company, but I feel so lethargic when they are around... nothing gets done.

I've been going to cafes very regularly... I love sitting down, writing any old wank and drinking coffee. I've also been going to the cinema. I was disappointed by the biopic Coco & Igor and the Chilean film The Maid but enjoyed the French cartoon The Illusionist and am eagerly anticipating seeing Fritz Lang restored silent classic Metropolis.

Sadly, I don't seem to be able to read for long stretches of time any more. I seem to get distracted too easily. In fact, I haven't read anything at all for the last two days or so. No matter how good the book is, I can't seem to engage that well. :( I was reading quite a lot while having the house to myself, though, and finished José Donoso's El obsceno pájaro de la noche which I now rate as one of my all-time favourites. A lot of the time I couldn't read because of fucking mosquitoes! They were doing my head in especially during the beginning of the month... I wasn't even aware that they existed in England!

I haven't written anything at all over the last two weeks or so... :( I stopped keeping my dream journal, I stopped this feeble attempt at a novel and I haven't been able to write recollections of my episode...

One of the great things about having the house to myself is that I was able to lie in a bed in the sitting room and watch films at 2AM. I have now discovered that I really like Andrei Tarkovsky films. I reviewed Stalker on my blog and Andrei Rublev is now in my top 10 films of all time... At the moment I am completely immersed in the first season of Twin Peaks! It is completely gripping, enigmatic, enticing, mysterious...

At the end of this month I am going on a trip to Berlin! I am quite excited by it as I really like Germany, but I am also quite worried because I will be left on my own there for two days... And I'll have to make my way back to Sheffield... Nevertheless, it will hopefully be a splendid experience and I'll post photos of it on my blog.