Thursday, 18 December 2008



Fucking hell, I can get really angry. As I mentioned before in 'profound yet dumb', I am both ends of the spectrum. I am very calm, patient and soft-spoken a lot of the time, but when some incident intrudes with my inner-vison-of-things I get angry and I break things and I get FRUSTRATED.

My mother always interrupts the pinnacles of my life. Yesterday she spoiled my enjoyment of the movie Psycho right in the middle of the infamous shower scene. She came into the house as I was watching it in maximum volume on the big TV. So this made me frustrated and caused me to scream and rant. It's just like the moment when I reached the pivotal moment of my life in November 2007; it's all her fault that my creativity has gone sterile and why I spent 3 months in a psychiatric hospital (although the latter occurence I don't at all see as a bad thing). Aghrrr.

Another frustrating thing is that I lost a large chunk of my film studies which I had to re-write. I'm also frustrated as I haven't had enough time to read with all the fucking college work. im also frustrated as all the people in my college are boring fucking cunts im so fucking angry that im tired of writing properly and im regressing and im bashing out this crap and im losing my sense of grammar... fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it


I put up some of my poems on my website:

Saturday, 13 December 2008

The internet generation

I can sense a whole generation of strange artists waiting to erupt. The state of mind of generations is cyclical. At the moment it's highly conformist: people don't search for strange, wonderful art; it's all presented to them in a menu where which they consequently digest. There are many ostracized, solitary teenagers who are creating strange art and I can sense that these kindred souls will gain more stature in the mainstream some time soon.

Revolutions and manifestos are dumb because they encourage the subsequent generation to rebel against the established norm. I believe in the individual, not in groups. This generation of 'kindred souls' will not be a collective one, it will be developed independently by each separate individual.

As generations are 'cyclical' (there was a so-called 'boom' of latin-american writers at one point), I can sense that a whole new bunch of solitary outsiders who hide in their remote edges and who regularly post on internet blogs/websites will erupt with powerful new works of art: powerful novels, powerful musical compositions, powerful poetry, powerful paintings, etc. I hope to be a participant of it.

As a consequence of this, Bartok will gain air-play on non-classical radio stations and Pynchon will be devoured by teenagers who don't normally read. Teenagers will no longer go out to get mindlessly pissed; they will go out to seek new, exciting aesthetic things.

All this is probably wishful thinking, but I was delighted when the lunatic who regularly visits my Feedback page linked me onto this letter sent to the new york times which was written by a kid who managed to articulate my daydreams far better than I managed to:

Friday, 12 December 2008

My routine

I originally kept this planned-out routine for myself, but I see no harm in sharing it.



7:30 Wake up
8:00 Catch bus
9:00 Film studies
1:30 Catch 727 to Sheffield + read a ‘light’ guide/literary overview on the way
13:15 Piano Lesson
15:30 Read
18:00 Homework
19:00 Go on computer to hear music or hear music with CD player
19:30 Tea
21:00 Take meds
21:30 Creative writing
23:30 Go to bed


7:30 Wake up
8:00 Catch bus
9:00 English literature
13:00 English Language
16:40 Wank
17:00 Read
19:00 Homework
19:30 Tea
20:00 Music/Computer
21:00 Take meds
22:00 Go for a late-night walk
23:00 Go to bed


7:30 Wake up
8:30 Catch bus
9:00 Maths
12:30 Watch a movie
15:00 Read
18:00 Homework
19:00 Hear music solely with CD player
19:30 Tea
20:00 Practise piano
21:00 Take meds
21:30 Creative writing
22:30 Go to bed


7:30 Wake up
8:00 Catch bus
9:00 English language
12:00 Extra help for English
13:00 Film studies
17:00 Read
19:00 Music/computer
19:30 Tea
21:00 Take meds
21:00 Homework
22:30 Practise piano
23:00 Music/computer
00:00 Read
2:00 Go to bed


11:00 Wake up
11:52 Catch bus
12:30 Extra help
13:00 English lesson
17:00 Read
19:00 Computer/music
19:30 Tea
21:00 Take meds
21:30 Piano
22:00 Creative writing
22:30 Go for late night walk
23:00 Read
3:00 Go to bed


13:00 Wake up
14:00 Go out for a long walk
17:00 Read
19:30 Tea
21:00 Meds
21:00 Computer/music
00:00 Piano
00:30 Creative writing
1:00 Read
3:30 Late night walk
4:00 Go to bed


13:00 Wake up
14:00 Read
15:00 Piano
16:30 Homework
18:30 Piano
19:00 Hear music solely with CD player
19:00 Tea
20:30 Computer
21:00 Meds
21:30 Piano
22:00 Creative writing
23:00 Go to bed

Occasionally I won’t follow this schedule exactly as it will be interrupted by a music concert or a visit to the cinema or a trip to the woods for a number of days. And, on other occasions, I will evade going on the computer for an extensive period of time. Other periods of time I shall consciously avoid this planned-out routine deliberately and do whatever I like instead.

Thursday, 11 December 2008

Truanting is far more educational than attending school/college

Get out of school and go for a walk to the beautiful woods or the wonderful countryside: it is far more educational than rotting your brain at the exposure of a wretchedly awful education system.

The only path to acquiring any real knowledge is by being an autodidact. Discovering things on your own is far more enlightening than getting at it together with a whole group of people who are all on the same obsolete wavelengths.

At school all children are taught to do is to scorn and reject anything different as all the work they are given is specifically modified for them to become the same boring cunts they have always been.

Get out of school and go to the library and borrow some Faulkner or some Kafka and read them and be astounded by the infinite possibilities of a real education. Stop following the same dumb trends you are subjected to at school by all your idiotic peers, and instead of conforming to a specific group (a 'mosher', an 'indie' group, etc. etc.) go out and get yourself some atonal music which might make you think. Go out and buy yourself John Coltrane's Ascencion and see if it makes you sneer at all your dumb little conformist friends in the same way I do.

But people will tell me that attending school is a necessity in order for one to be 'employable'. Well, who wants to be employable? Tramps and hobos have the possibility of experiencing pain - a real privilege. After you have climbed the academic ladder and have found yourself with a warm little home, all that awaits you after a day's work is comfort. For a hobo (who hasn't had the slightest education and hasn't attempted to climb the academic ladder), however, after a days wandering what awaits him is experience.

But the only reason for why I'm attending college now is that it opens up the possibility of a university education where I might come across like-minded individuals.


I went to see Isis live last sunday, and it was fucking mindblowing. It was the best concert I've gone to this year; it even surpassed The Fall (!) and the performance of Stravinsky's Firebird I went to see.

I'm currently listening Elliott Sharp's String Quartets. This man is, in my opinion, on a par with John Zorn.

Saturday, 6 December 2008

The darker side of human nature

Humans don’t want to know about the darker side of their condition. It needs to be explored, ignoring the restrictions and limitations of ‘offense’, ‘morality’ and ‘equality’. We all have concealed, disturbing tendencies which reside under the skin. For me, it is far more interesting for art to deal with these hidden ‘tendencies’ than to replicate reality as it is in the way social realism does.

Humans aren't as civilized as they like to think they are. Everything is shrouded amidst comfort to hide away our darker thoughts and feelings, and when we are exposed to these 'darker thoughts and feelings' via subversive art and literature (or even pornography) we scrutinize it and censor it and create furores over it.

Sofia, after reading my minature entitled Vampire Woman, was repulsed and told me that I should keep such lusts 'to myself'. She also said that it was offensive to women and, additonally, demanded of 'what the hell it was about'. I find the prospect of opening the human head and exhibiting its inner-contents extremely appealing. Writing is a tool of discovery and self-fulfillment for the author. The author must ignore any superficial 'clarity' and he must forget of 'impressing' others or being 'articulate'. The reader consequently has the privilege of taking a peek and look at the results.

If something is there - why ignore it?

Friday, 5 December 2008

Similarities between Finding the Author and Concrete Island

'Cronenberg stated that while writing the screenplay for Naked Lunch, he felt a moment of synergy with the writing style of William S. Burroughs. He felt the connection between his screenwriting style and Burroughs' prose style was so strong, that he jokingly remarked that should Burroughs pass on, "I'll just write his next book".' - Wikipedia

The moment of 'synergy' I had with J. G. Ballard was posthumous to the completion of my minature entitled 'Finding The Author', rather than during the process of it been written. I don't think my writing style is in the slightest bit similar to that of Ballard's nor is it anywhere near as good, but I was overwhelmed when I encountered his novel Concrete Island as it shared a numerous amount of traits with my own feeble creation.

In Concrete Island the protagonist crashes his car and finds himself stranded in a small traffic island which lies undernearth three converging motorways. He consequently plunges, like my own creation Dennis, into the inner-world of the psyche. But what I found most astounding was the appearence of a character named Jane with whom he copulates with and offers a hope of salvation. This is just like in my own creation where the character with the exact same name, Jane, appears and saves the troubled individual Dennis.

Thursday, 4 December 2008

Being ostracized: its advantages and disadvantages


- When one is 'ostracized' one has a ginourmous amount of time to read. I have almost read a total of 50 books in 2008 alone. Nothing surpasses reading excessive amounts.

- Savouring wonderful, wonderful solitude.

- One has all the time in the world to do whatever one wants.

- Because you spend so much time alone, you have all the time in the world to think so you therefore become far more astute and sharper than everyone else.

- One loses contact with reality and political/current events, which is a good thing.

- The possibility of starting artistic projects without interruption: novels, short stories, musical compositions, etc.

- Since you have been rejected by society, you subconsciously enjoy anything that 'goes against the grain' and you discover a lot of wonderful, strange music and literature as a consequence of that.


- Compulsive masturbation

- The lack of human contact is 'mentally unhealthy' and results in mental illnesses such as depression and psychosis (the latter happened to me).

- Because everyone has rejected you, you gradually become misanthropic and hate all humans and the human condition.

- You loathe certain individuals even though you know nothing about them.

- You talk to no-one except your father.

- The niggling feeling and knowledge that there are like-minded individuals who are on the same wavelength as you, but they're nowhere near around your proximity.

Monday, 1 December 2008

Profound yet dumb

I'm capable of doing the most complicated, 'profound' things yet I remain in essence a dumb person. I am a paradox; I'm capable of reading the most heavy-going philosophical novels yet am incapable of solving simple mathematical exercises which are designed for under-achieving twelve-year-olds or nor am I capable of doing the most blatant, obvious things which most people can do in their sleep.

I'm both ends of the spectrum. My personality is constituted by numerous sub-personalities, and these 'sub-personalities' surface in my clumsy/dumb actions or in my intelligent obervations. They also both surface in my dreaming life and waking life. In my dreams my profound and dumb entities clash and spiral against one another, but in waking life they are manifest solely on their own.