Tuesday, 30 August 2011

"You will never sense things the same way"

Following my episode, the local council arranged several sessions in which I spoke to a psychiatrist, where I was instructed with 'advise'.

I've never liked the idea of advise. I've always despised all the fucking hogwash pedalled in 'PSE' classes, anti-drug presentations. Teenagers never swallow it, but they attentively listen to it.

Anyway, for most of these sessions with my psychiatrist I'd nod and say "yes" to all the advise she gave on how to avoid a relapse etc. etc. etc.

I completely forgot about this, though it re-surfaced a couple of hours ago, she said something along the lines of "You will never perceive situations the same way. Don't be surprised if you no longer engage or view your surroundings differently." Something like that - I'm not entirely sure.

But fuck, it's true. For instance, when I visit foreign countries - like now, I'm in Chile - I do not feel like I am abroad, I just 'float' by situations.

This could be due to all the medication I've consumed for nearly four years... My brain feels... scrambled... at all times, I feel drowsy... I have now reached the point where I need a clean mind.

Yet... All the fucking trauma I experienced... All those stupid delusional thoughts, all the hallucinations, all the hyperactivity... I'm pretty sure has immunised me to perceiving the world more sharply and that all new events that transpire in my life... simply pass me by.

1 comment:

Sofia said...

Scary what medication can do to you... in certain ways such an experience of the world would be fascinating - but not ALL of the time. I imagine that would leave you feeling disconnected, unrooted.