Thursday, 6 November 2008

A year ago today.....

A year ago today my mind disintegrated; a year ago today my psychosis developed; a year ago today I reached the culminating point of my life.

I stopped using my diary entries as an emotional outlet, and instead devoted my time solely to my blog. I exchanged many thoughts with a kid called Gareth and Doug. In my posts I was eschewing the distinction between high and low art as well as the academic definition of mental health and psychosis; I even mentioned that psychosis was a favourable state to be in. Unfortunately, all these life-changing posts got deleted and replaced with 'Simon King's no longer conventionally mad' where all my thoughts veered to a psychotic and paranoid state of mind. But only one post was fortunately saved and it was entitled Don't Live In A Boring World which can be read here. I was in such a ecstatic state that I stayed up for three days because I was so amazed that I was incapable of sleeping; I ran up and down the house with my thoughts spiralling towards all directions.

My far-fetched thoughts, unfortunately, got progressively more and more ludicrous. I won't go into them now, but I will write about them soon in a book entitled P. I. C. U.

I believe that I would have been better off without psychiatric intensive care. I had a similar episode once before with all sorts of paranoid and suspicious thoughts, and I got over it. But what I think was the worst thing about having all this intensive care is that it seriously disrupted my creativity which was at its peak. I'm certain that had I not been sent to the intensive care unit that I would within days get to grips with things and subsequently get down to writing short stories and maybe even novels.

I look at the writing before my episode and I look at my writing that I made after my episode, and it seems that I seem to be getting worse. When I first started 'Simon King's Written Outpourings' in July 2007 I wrote rather formidable minature essays, but I'm no longer capable of doing that now.

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The very first post of 'Simon King's no longer conventionally mad' started like this. I wrote this a year ago today. My parents printed out bits of this blog and showed it to me at the Derby psychiatric unit. I'm typing it out from a page I have in front of me. It was aimed at the people from my old school who I thought were following my blog and laughing at me. It had the rather odd title of 'For anyone........... validating my ambiguity (I've got a certain sense people are reading me':

I think that I want to add this post to clarify any (if there were any) doubts regarding my mental condition. I deleted this blog in a flurry of emotion, until I realised that it was a wrong thing to do. I thought it all over and realised that there well may be people feeling 'sorry' for me, thinking that the world of the imagination is 'all I have'; it's actually to me having a childhood hallucination that is due to this. This is why I have an inexplicable fascination for 'strangeness' that can't be articulated in a 'normal' fashion. This is also why I've been incapable of learning basic, basic, basic rudiments. I've been trying as hard as I can to make myself, though. If I learn scientific processes, then I will at least get an understanding of logic. When I wrote my so-called novel I knew it was shit, but I knew that if I tried as hard as I fucking could, then I'd at least learn something. I want to deviate with the reality I see. I want to make my reality strange. I also want to look into the future - guess an 'answer', like Ballard has done. I want to get into the most politically incorrect wavelength of thinking to create a 'terrorist' novel, to fuck with 'smug' values. I want to test people's values of reality, which I consider to be wrong. I want people to find answers to themselves via unconventional tendencies (which reside in dreams or drug-induced fantasies). I find the vast majority of fiction I've read to be boring fucking bullshit; I never did anything 'intellectual' as a kid 'coz I didn't know that my cerebral activities were 'intellectual'. My parents are quite liberal-minded, so there was always an option to explore this terrain of 'unconvention'....

I wrote more after that, but it's been lost. Doug, after reading this, asked this question:

'Oh, and SK, I have a question.
Regarding the first post on this zombie blog, do you consider your actual circumstances to be... special, so to speak, or is it more the fact that you have come to the realisation of a truth that exists for most people, but they don't and never will realise it?'

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